Bamford and Breakfast
Meeting Maria in Ann Arbor

by Eugene Barnes

On April 25, 2003, my wife Cynthia and I packed our bags, stuffed the car with goodies, and hit the highway. Four and a half hours later we were in Ann Arbor, Michigan for a special treat -- Maria Bamford in a non-smoking show at the Ann Arbor Comedy Showcase. Maria had emailed me suggesting we should get together after the show. But would this rising star of stage and screen really spend time with us? It would certainly be a treat if she did.

We had a reserved table, second row center. Perfect seats. A margarita for my wife, a Boylan's Root Beer for myself. The room was packed as the emcee warmed up the audience.
Next came the opening act. He was OK, but not particularly spectacular. The audience was there to see Maria and you could feel it. As soon as he yelled "Maria Bamford", the crowd cheered and she bounded on stage.

Bamford Live!

Maria paced back and forth with animated energy as she explained where she was from and how she was considered "a GODDESS" in her home town. "All I had to do was slap on some blue eye shadow and HEAD OUT!"

She was dressed in blue jeans and a denim waist jacket with a black "Horton the Elephant" t-shirt peeking through the opening, and a pair of Payless black retro style tennis shoes. She looked out at the audience with her eyes glowing, her perfect teeth flashing, and her chin-length hair tumbling in random directions.

Watching Maria live is a special experience. On television, her performances are carefully edited to fit a specific time slot. On the live stage there are no edits, no snipping out jokes that bomb, no doctoring of the audience laughter. Pure, unaltered, unabridged Maria.
It was interesting to hear what new bits have been added to her act, what material was still there, and how the delivery of familiar lines had changed.

" There are vegans who don't eat anything from animals, there are vegetarians who don't eat meat, but will eat eggs and dairy products. Me, I'm sort of a Mountain Dew and beef jerky kind of vegetarian."

Maria took a moment in the beginning of her act and talked to a couple of audience members in the front row. I had never seen Maria interact with the audience before, so this was a new side to her talents. At one point she asked a gentleman what he did for a living. He answered back something very mundane and Maria froze for a split second and cringed.

" I was going say something clever about your work, but I can't think of anything," she said apologetically. "You see..." as her voice dropped to a near whisper... "I'm not good at im-pro-vi-sa-tion." Her face contorted into a look of embarrassment and agony which elicited as much laughter as if she had spouted a very witty comeback.

In addition to her famous imitation of her mother, Maria now does her father as well.
" It's hard to do my father. He doesn't really talk so much as make sound effects." And Maria began to emit a series of hilarious snorts, groans, and mumbles.

Maria's imitation of her agent telling her that "you have a high, irritating voice and I think you should know that about yourself" is now done in a voice reminiscent of Roz from "Monster's Inc." And what an incredible, flexible voice she has! Maria pops in and out of characters as if she were a one-woman cartoon, her face and body language completing each character perfectly.

After The Show

Her performance ended all too soon. The crowd cheered wildly for her as she disappeared down the aisle into the darkness. The emcee thanked everyone and directed them to the appropriate exits. My wife and I stayed in our seats, wondering if Maria was really going to meet us after the show as she promised.

Sure enough, as the crowd cleared, Maria was waiting in the back near the bar talking to some fans. As we approached, she looked up and spotted us. "Eugene? Is that you?" She ran up to us and gave us both hugs as I introduced Cynthia.

Maria had a second show that evening, so she suggested we get together the next morning for breakfast. "Let me get something to write on," she said as she scampered around the corner. I followed, reaching in my pocket for my pen and index cards which I always carry. I found her scrambling through her things behind a dark door with a large gold painted star.

" So this is the star's dressing room, eh? What lavish accommodations," I joked. "Only the best," she beamed back as I handed her pen and paper. She started to scribble on the card, but was immediately interrupted by a couple who stuck their heads in the door.

" We are such big fans of you!", they exclaimed. "Can we get your autograph?" Maria beamed again, like a bashful kid who had just performed in a Christmas pageant. "Sure!", she said as she took their flyer and scribbled a quick signature. She then introduced me as her "fan club webmaster" and we all talked for a moment about the show and how receptive the crowds are in Ann Arbor.

The couple soon went their way, autographed paper in hand. "Now, where are we going to meet tomorrow? And when?", she said excitedly as we walked back to the bar where my wife was chatting with the opening comedian.

After some deliberation, we agreed to meet at ten the next morning at a little breakfast shop recommended by the club manager. "Gotta get ready for my next show... oh, here's my cell phone number in case you need to reach me." She scribbled on the card one more time, gave us each another hug, and we wished her another good performance. Down the hall, out the door, up the stairs, and we were in the parking lot. "She was terrific!", exclaimed Cynthia. "And she is so nice!"

" Yes, she is," I agreed.

Breakfast at The Broken Egg

The next morning, we quickly readied ourselves, loaded the car again, checked out of the hotel, and headed back into downtown Ann Arbor. It took only a couple of trips around the block before we found a suitable parking spot. We were early, so we expected to wait outside the Broken Egg Cafe for a bit and watch for her.

But there she was, already waiting for us. We could see her pacing in and out of the door wearing a bright blue parka and jeans. She quickly spotted us and began waving. "I have us on the waiting list already.", she said as she greeted us again with smiles and hugs

And now the answer to the question every Maria Bamford fan asks: Is that her real voice?
Yes, it is her real voice. And her real personality. A little less animated off-stage, perhaps. But Maria is a very honest, genuine, unpretentious and open person. A little quirky, but the quirkiness only adds to her charm. You just can't help but like her.

Cynthia and I ordered omelets. Maria had a green salad. And we talked for an hour over breakfast. Maria asked lots of questions about us, and my wife cheerfully kept the conversation going as I charmed in here and there. I then remembered how my brain never functions well in the morning and I hoped Maria didn't think I was bored or uninterested just because I was so silent.

I did manage to come up with a few good questions. I asked about the upcoming pilot she was doing for Showtime. Maria explained that Showtime was getting cold feet about the project. "We don't know what happened. First they tell us they want to shoot the pilot this summer. Now they're not talking to us at all. Oh, well," she shrugged. "I still have hopes for it."

" Surely someone will pick it up," I said, partially out of reassurance and partially out of hope.

Stage Jitters

I found a few traits that I share with Maria, which might explain why I feel a kind of connection with her. "I don't do well with people one-on-one," she explained. "Yet I can get on stage and perform before a crowd." I knew exactly what she was talking about. I'm exactly the same.
" I've been trying to get better at it," she continued. "I try to talk to the audience a little in my act now."

" I noticed that," I said. I also noticed how skillfully she was working to keep the conversation going with us, though I didn't mention it. She was doing a very good job and she seemed very sincere in her interest, even if she had to push herself a bit. I know how that feels, too

Fortunately, we got Maria to talk a bit about herself,too. "One thing I can't do is handle hecklers," Maria confessed. "If someone gets unruly and loud in the audience, my knees buckle, I shake all over, and I freeze up."

Maria went on to tell us about a nightmarish experience she had at one performance. "The audience didn't react at all. No laughs. Nothing. And it was the same act, the same jokes, performed as I always do. I kept going anyway."

" Then this woman got up in the middle of the audience and loudly said that she had never been so bored in her life and she couldn't understand why anyone would want to stay to see the rest, and she began to leave. I was so embarrassed. I didn't know what to do."

" Some comedians live for hecklers," Maria continued. "They have their comebacks all ready and hope for an unruly crowd so they can use them. I think people like that must grow up in an environment where everyone argues back and forth all the time and that's all they know. It's the way they communicated with their family and friends, so they feel at home with a combative audience. I don't."

Fortunately, Ann Arbor was good to Maria. "I always do well here. I like playing here. I'm not sure why some audiences like me while others don't. It's the same act wherever I go. Some just get into it, others don't."

The Headliner Life

" Do you compare notes on audiences with other comedians?", asked Cynthia.

" When you're a headliner, you don't get to hang out with other headliners much because clubs usually only have one headliner booked at a time. The opening acts are usually comedians who haven't been at it very long. I enjoy playing shows where there are several headliners booked. You get to talk with them and learn so much. They'll say 'Oh, don't play that club. No one does well at that club.' I learn a lot when I get to talk to others who have been in the business awhile."

" You were able to hang with some headliners on your trip to Australia, right?" I asked in a rare moment of lucidity.

" Oh yes, I loved doing Australia," she said.

" Didn't you fly over with Lewis Black?", asked Cynthia.

" Well, we weren't in the same plane, but I did get to spend time talking with him. He is the sweetest man. You know, he's been in the business for twenty years. I really enjoy working with him."

" I love Lewis Black on The Daily Show," Cynthia added. And just in time, as my morning-clouded head ran out of things to say again.

Maria and Cynthia talked at length about living in L.A. (my wife grew up there)... and all too soon it was time to go.

Goodbye Hugs

Maria insisted on paying for breakfast. "After all, you guys drove all the way up here to see me!"
We left the crowded cafe, took a moment to shoot a couple photos on the sidewalk, then said our good-byes with another round of hugs. "We'll have to get together again when I play Columbus," she said, then turned to walk down the street to her next destination... a meeting with some cousins who live in the area.

Cynthia and I got into our car and made our way out of Ann Arbor. We agreed that it was definitely worth the four hour drive. Cynthia was now a confirmed Bamford fan. And I now knew what I had always suspected... that Maria Bamford is a rare and special person.

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Note to Maria: Most of the above was written from memory, so my apologies if I misquoted you. Thanks again for breakfast... and for being yourself.

May 10, 2003